I’m a Jerk

This segment has been inspired by my very-good-friend-who-I-met-once-for-30 seconds, Adam.  You can find the post here: Sometimes You’re Just a Jerk.

I do agree with him…sometimes people rely so heavily on waiting for the will of God that they (we?) kind of don’t realize that we are given the freedom to make decisions in our lives.  I once heard of a guy who was in his 80’s but had never really done anything because he was waiting to hear from God.  He never followed through on any dreams because he was waiting on a sign from God before he pursued those dreams.  I’m going to school to be a Social Worker.  I really have no idea if it’s God’s will for me to do this or not…but I have to walk down a path, any path, in order for God to guide me.  If I sit at home waiting for God to explicitly tell me “Go be a Social Worker” or “Don’t” I’ll just be sitting at home for the rest of my life.

His post was about relationships though.  How guys can be a jerk and then when the girl breaks up with him to say “Oh it wasn’t God’s will.”

I’ve done that.

I have this very intense fear when it comes to relationships.  I can’t quite pinpoint it…it’s not a fear of commitment because I want to get married and have four or five kids.  I’ve already thought about do I want to cloth diaper their little bums and do I want to homeschool them.  But I’m afraid of something.  So afraid that I will behave like a jerk once I realize a guy likes me.  Even if it’s a guy that I’d kind of liked prior to having the feelings returned.  I’ve said “It wasn’t the will of God.” When the truth is, I stopped answering my phone when they’d call or not respond to any other kind of contact, just because I get scared.

But exactly what am I scared of…maybe being hurt, marrying the wrong guy, that I won’t be the person he thought I’d be…I don’t know what I’m scared of.  I just know that if I could skip all the beginning stuff of a relationship – I’d be great.  If I could maybe start on date number 10 where we already have been through the difficult small talk (which I’m painfully horrible at, but that’s another story all together) then I just might be able to get to a commitment.  If you’ve ever seen How I Met Your Mother (which is the show I’m currently obsessed with, therefore reference it a lot) and if you’ve seen Ted’s speech to Robin in the beginning of the show – his speech could easily be mine.  Except he wants to jump into being committed and I just want to run away 🙂

Now that I’ve bared my soul to all of the internet…

I saw on WordPress’ homepage something about Bill Cosby and ugly sweater parties.  I found my sweater yesterday from an ugly sweater party and it’s just so amazingly ugly that I hung it back in my closet just waiting to be brought out again.  There are pictures of it out there, but pictures don’t do justice to the ugly.  It’s brilliantly ugly.

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