I’m writing this, because it’s Sunday – and I’m thinking about church. It’s Sunday afternoon, so I’m thinking about the evening service. I was at church this morning…kind of. I was in Children’s Church which means I gave out snack, swept the floor, escorted kids to the bathroom…all very important jobs, but not things that I really had to mentally prepare myself for.
I’m very guilty of not mentally preparing myself for church – or maybe not spiritually preparing myself for church. When I sit at home on a Sunday afternoon watching TV or cooking something for the week, at 5:15PM start getting dressed, drive to church, then sit on a pew and wait for it to start…I feel guilty once I get there. I realize that I’ve shown up for church strictly out of habit. Sometimes, I haven’t given more than a fleeting thought about God since the midweek service. I know that isn’t the life I want, I know that I want to live for God. Showing up for church in this manner is not living for God and it’s exactly what drives people away from church. And if God could be driven from me, it would be this kind of attitude, I imagine, that would drive Him away.
I don’t want to show up for church tonight and then have to weed through all the flesh that has grown up around my spirit during the week, and then hope to worship God with the heart He deserves. I should be weeding through my flesh every single day. Problem is – flesh grows faster than weeds! If I skip one day of praying, it’s 10 times easier to skip it the next day and 100 times easier the day after that. Before I know it, I’m so filled with flesh after just a few days, that God seems far away. It means that week after week of sitting in church, I’m fighting the battle of flesh instead of already having that cleared back, and able to worship God with a clean heart.
Last week was a good week, I stayed on top of my prayer life and on Sunday had a heart that had been pruned through the week and was ready to simply worship God. I can’t say the same for this week and knowing that tonight’s service starts in less than three hours, I’m wondering what can be done in less than three hours to undo the damage I did during the last several days?
I can tell you that I will be calling on God’s grace to forgive me of the last week – and maybe help me weed through the flesh so that I can be ready for tonight. But then I always feel terrible for calling on God’s grace because I feel like I don’t deserve it…it’s very difficult for me to grasp the concept of “That’s the whole point”. If I deserved grace, then it isn’t grace any longer. I still feel bad for how often I am in need of grace…some how it feels like I should have a better handle on this by now. But I don’t. I still call on God’s grace constantly. I feel bad, because I call on His grace, He provides it…I try to change, and fall again. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
I want a relationship with God, I don’t want to be constantly asking forgiveness for the same actions. I wonder if He grows weary of my short comings or if He gets it and understands?