Not My World

The radio show I listen to – Kidd Kraddick – had a tragedy this week.  One of the girls’ two year old nephew drowned over the weekend.  She doesn’t have children of her own and this little guy was her world.  I feel so terrible for her, because it’s my biggest fear.  I have no children of my own and my niece is three years old.  I do not live in a world where children don’t die – I know all too well that they do.  I know she did not live in that world either.  If you listen to Kidd Kraddick then you already know this – every year in November they take terminally ill children to Disney World for a week.  It’s a GREAT thing, and so I do hope that being a part of that helped shape her relationship with her nephew, to know that it can all change so fast.  If something tragic did happen to my niece, I would know in my heart that I didn’t take her life for granted.  I’ve never waited for her to “get bigger” before we do something.  Because I do know that “getting bigger” isn’t promised.  Yes, her mom and I have plans for when she’s older.  We want to take her to NYC when she’s old enough to appreciate being there.  We aren’t promised that time, though.  Each and every single time I leave her, we hug and kiss.  And high five, knuckle touch, and she tells me she wants a “robot from walmart.” (No idea, about the robot thing!)

I have realized that this is why I follow so many “baby loss” blogs.  My “children don’t die” world was shattered almost four years ago…and it changed everything.  Parts of it was for good.  I don’t want to lose the realization that everything good that I have can be over in the next five minutes.  It only takes one phone call to change my entire life.

I hope I never get a phone call like that – but if I do…I want to know that I lived each day the way I’d want it to be lived.  I’m sure that Shanon kissed her nephew plenty but she’ll still always wished she’d done it more.  But I hope that although her heart feels that way, in her mind, she’ll know she did – and that he knew how much she adored him.

I’ve seen traffic on this blog increase the last few days.  I hope you’ll stick with me – I’m random, but it’s the life of a single 30something year old girl working full time and going to school.  Sometimes it’s boring, sometimes this is just a place for me to sort out my thoughts.  I hope it is interesting some of the time though!


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